My Dentist Knew I Was Pregnant Before Anyone Else

I was mortified to discover I had a broken tooth and a terrible cavity in one of my back molars. Of course, in my mind, I was thinking I have some kind of an infection and would have to have an extraction. The infection was going to go into my blood and kill me.

I’m not over dramatic or much of a worry wart at all. *eye roll*

So, I went to the dentist for the first time in 10 years. It was embarrassing to admit, but he did say my teeth were surprisingly in great shape. (I was prepared to be told I had severe gum disease or something.) Well, other than the one that needed work. He said I needed a root canal.

I told them I might be pregnant. It was embarrassing to admit that it was too early to test, I was just watching my cycles so closely I knew I could be. You know. The time between conception and implantation.

Try explaining that to a man. He’s a dentist, not an OB. Awkward.

All of the girls in the office were giggling and saying, “hope you get good news this week!”

I figured I probably wasn’t pregnant. I wanted to be. In fact, I think that was one of my last posts on here. (Sorry for being so MIA, by the way.) But I knew the disappointment all too well. I scheduled my root canal for the following week and planned to take a test for peace of mind.

Of course, I was barely 3 weeks pregnant – not even far enough to show on a test. But peeing on a stick is an irresistible thing. It’s an addiction when you’re trying to conceive. Of course, I went and bought a cheap early response test and took it.

Negative. WELL MAYBE. Nah. It’s negative. We’ll see.

It was a two pack, so of course I took the other test the next morning.

I saw that same BARELY there squinter line. My mom glanced at the test under the light and shook her head as if she felt sorry for me.

“I don’t see it.”

Maybe the tests were defective? I told myself I’d wait til two days before my appointment to take another test.

And my resolve lasted all of about 2 hours before I went to the Dollar General and bought the $1 cheapies. (Those are just as sensitive and accurate as the name brand. Just so you know. Don’t waste $15 on EPT.)

I waited til the next morning to take it and there was a line. Faint. My mom still didn’t see it. My husband kind of saw it.

I crawled into my bed and told the Lord that if this was really a pregnancy and I wasn’t going crazy, I was thankful for each moment. I held my tummy as I imagined the little person only the size of a pen tip. I wouldn’t let myself imagine a baby I’d give birth to. I didn’t even look up a possible due date. I just imagined my little seed, praying for him or her to get snug in there.

Each day, the lines got darker. So, I called my dentist’s office and informed them of my good news. I’ll be honest – I wasn’t sure if it was good news yet. I was experiencing intense cramping and terrified of bleeding like I did with the pregnancy I lost. I’ll confess I checked each time I went to the restroom.

The peestick addiction was intense this time around. I believe altogether I took 10 tests before I was confident.

My dentist called back and said, “Well, congratulations! Looks like you called it, huh?”

We decided to hold off on the root canal until I was in my second trimester. (Well, last Wednesday.) The fella was so sweet and called me personally to explain why he didn’t feel comfortable doing the procedure so early on. I recommend this dentist to anyone local! Just saying!

So, the root canal was placed on hold and I began my newest journey of trusting in spite of the unknown.

More to come …

heartsickness

DISCLAIMER: This post discusses pregnancy loss.

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

Somewhere around every 27 days, I recite this verse to myself. Once again, I’ve foolishly purchased one of those one dollar pregnancy tests. I watch the pink dye run across the strip and settles on only one line.

I put it away for five minutes, hoping maybe at least a squinter line will appear.

Stark white. Negative.

I stare at it for a long time hoping to see something. Yes, I’ve had four pregnancies and three living children. I know you’re not supposed to do that.

But wait. Maybe? 🤷‍♀️

*sigh*

Okay.

At least I have three kids. At least I don’t have to worry about getting fat this month. At least I don’t have to freak over miscarrying again.

And maybe I’m done. Maybe my uterus is broken. Maybe I’m such a bad mom to my living kids that another baby would be a bad idea.

At least. Maybe.

As well intentioned as the words are, I hate them.

Trying to have a baby after a miscarriage is different than it was with the others. For starters, all my husband had to do was look at me a certain way and I got pregnant. I had perfect pregnancies with no complications and easy births. When I got pregnant a fourth time, it was a no brainer that all would be well.

But it wasn’t. The mere knowledge that my body betrayed me was a shock. It actually happened to me.

For a while, I said I was done. Experiencing that sadness was nothing I’d like to repeat. Or the turmoil of wondering if the pregnancy was viable. The emotional rollercoaster.

No thanks.

That’s not to say I didn’t want to try again, but I just didn’t have it in me.

After almost a year, the Lord began asking me to trust Him with it. If I’m honest, He wanted my trust with everything. And y’all know this control freak will be spending the rest of her life learning to yield that trust, but nevertheless He has asked me to.

With the future. With my marriage. With my kids. With my past hurts. With my spiritual life. With ministry. With finances.

A baby.

I see babies on a fairly consistent basis and some days it wrecks my heart, because my baby isn’t here with me. I wonder what he might have been like (I believe he was a boy even though it was too early to tell) and what life would be like. There is somewhat of a gaping hole that even another child can’t fill.

But I do desire another baby. There’s no denying it. No matter how scared I am or what the future holds, my desire is to carry another baby and raise him or her alongside my other children.

Month after month, God has said no. Or wait. Or maybe the science just wasn’t quite right that time. I’ve gotten angry, cried, and then rested on His shoulder with nothing short of surrender to His plan. In spite of disappointment and heartache, there is peace and comfort. He has a plan and He knows what’s best.

I’m going to be honest … I don’t know if I’ll miscarry again. Many women suffer one loss and go on to have healthy pregnancies. Some don’t. Some suffer many losses. I don’t know if I can do it again. Who can though?

I’m trusting Him even in spite of my fear. I’m trusting that even if the worst happens, He will not leave me.

Even if there are no more babies in His plan, I’ll trust He will give me the peace I need to be okay with that.

I hold to this verse as I wait for my answer. The hopelessness of yet another negative test makes my heart sink to my toes. The complexity of my desire mixed with fear overwhelms me. It’s almost too much to bear sometimes, but I’m trusting I’ll receive an answer.

I’m trusting He hears every prayer.

And His Spirit comforts me with these words in a whisper.

“But when the desire cometh …”

I don’t know what you’re praying for, but don’t lose hope. Waiting for an answer is long and tedious. Sometimes what we seek is complicated, mixed with uncertainty and fear. Keep bringing your requests to Him and trusting His timing and plan. This time of waiting is an opportunity to grow your faith in Him.

Waiting hurts, but I’ve known the joy of when the answers come. It’s worth it.

God is good.

This Hope is Enough

I figured out why I hate Walmart.

I thought it was the fact that I can’t ever go there without an awkward run in with someone from the past.

Or the fact that they have like 30 checkout lanes with only two open in the whole.stinking.store.

It could be the truth that I never leave with only what I came for. Everything is strategically placed to scream, “you might need me!”

Peopleofwalmart.com – need I say more?

Maybe one day I’ll share my grocery shopping adventures, but today I’m not thinking about food.

I’m thinking about the baby section.

I can’t walk past it without wondering how big my belly would be by now. I can’t walk past teeny sleepers without wondering if our baby was a boy or a girl. Because I know the joy of expecting the little one, I can’t help but miss that feeling that I was supposed to have.

For a while, I only thought about my miscarriage in clinical terms. I was one in four. It was likely a chromosomal abnormality that was incompatible with life. I am young, healthy, and can try again.

But then it becomes all too real. My belly is empty. June will come and go with no exciting addition to our family.

It really did happen.

I haven’t talked about my loss much recently, because I don’t want to bog people down. I want to be positive and share helpful, encouraging things. However, I know as well you do that we’ve got days where the tears keep falling.

Little things like the weather being similar to the day I miscarried or a thought about wishing I could have more … Just tiny triggers make my heart sink. I cannot handle sweet songs about Heaven half of the time because there’s a part of me there without me. I miss him or her and I only carried them for such a short while.

God has been gracious through it all. He’s comforted me with knowing I will see my baby’s face. Some days that’s all I’ve got.

2 Samuel 12:23 I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.

David’s baby died a few days after birth and although I can assure you he was heartbroken, he held to this promise. This is what kept him going when his heart ached to hold that baby or to see his face again.

This brokenness I feel over losing my baby is overwhelming. All I have is this one hope.

This hope is enough.

This hope has carried me through hard days and bitter tears. It has filled me up when I became all too aware of my empty belly. This hope has sustained me.

I thank God for the hope and promise of Heaven, my home I dearly long for.

If you’ve experienced pregnancy loss, my heart goes out to you. I pray that you will hold to this hope and let the Lord be your strength as your heart heals. Let this hope carry you as you go through each day.

Romans 4:18 Who against hope believed in hope2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.