Christian living · conservatism · fundamentalism · Legalism · life lessons

Beyond My Tower

This began as a Twitter thread. I figured maybe this would be a good way to enter back into the blogging world. It is certainly a different tone than some of my earlier stuff, but life has a way of doing that to you.

I never would’ve considered myself sheltered, especially considering my parents were pretty open minded. But I realized I know very little about the world and how to connect to people around me, even other Christians.

I grew up in a racist community where the KKK picketed outside my school over Muslim students attending. Racial slurs + rebel flags were the norm. I didn’t realize it, but I was taught to fear people who weren’t white like me in a post 9/11 culture. I was uncomfortable in culturally diverse settings.

Then I got married at 18 to an IFB (independent fundamental baptist) preacher’s son. It hid me away from the insanity of my own family and past decisions. It gave me safety. I learned that in order to have doctrinal and moral purity, I should fear even other believers who weren’t KJVO or as separated as me. I didn’t want to be influenced by the compromising and carnal world. Reaching out to a Southern Baptist was dangerous, let alone a Muslim.

Even in the public school, I was taught a whitewashed, revisionist history. The IFB exacerbated that with their cult history of the church’s origins, conspiracy theories, and obsession with eschatology.

Again, racial slurs against Muslims were common. I sat through an entire Wednesday night service where the visiting preacher made his case for why Obama was really a Muslim and was truly born in Kenya. We had our token black preachers, but also affirmed horrific teachings like the Curse of Cain or the Curse of Ham. We balked at the idea of being racist while making jokes about fried chicken and black church. Peter Ruckman was the father of our KJVO conspiracies (double inspiration) and he was truly one of the most racist preachers of the modern fundamentalist church.

I’ve also been a SAHM (stay at home mom) for almost 11 yrs. I haven’t worked a public job since I was 17. Even joining a co op with non IFB mothers was a no go, because I didn’t want them to influence me. I often heard that women who worked were more likely to cheat on their husbands, because women are the weaker vessel and more easily deceived. I felt uncomfortable even working with other men at church on music or media.

It’s incredible just how small and narrow my worldview has been and, honestly, how socially awkward it has made me. Just the fact that I acknowledge this and desire the truth would’ve meant I was backsliding and being influenced by the world. Watching anything but FOX News meant I was slipping into the leftist regime. Listening to a pastor who didn’t use the King James just meant I desired watered down preaching to tickle my ears.

But hiding away from the world in a commune of sorts is the opposite of what God desires for His people. How am I supposed to reach them if I turn my nose up at them or fear them?! Or believe my nationality makes me superior? How am I supposed to understand the experiences of others? Life isn’t as black and white as I used to think. People’s experiences are quite nuanced. There isn’t always a simple answer to why they feel the way they do or why things have happened to them.

I’m 30 years old and it’s a wild time. I feel like Rapunzel when she first left her tower.

I still desire Biblical truth above all things, but that doesn’t mean I want to be lied to. So many are leaving the faith because they were fed these rosy pictures of American history or the origin of their Bible translation – and when they find that it isn’t true, they hit a faith crisis. The IFB church will just tell you you’re being seduced by Satan. And the unbelieving world will say it’s ALL a scam.

It’s a horrible crisis of faith that many in my generation are limping through.

This is more of a vent than it is a post providing solutions. All I know is that we have to do better with the next generation we are raising up. Because right now, I see too many casualties from this environment that was supposed to protect us. Instead, it has left us socially undeveloped and unprepared for reality. It hinders the work of the great commission that we always heard about each Sunday.

Digging our heels into false information isn’t the answer. Hiding our heads in the sand out of fear will not silence the questions. We need truth. The truth sets us free.

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