I love to write, but lately I’ve been holding back a ton. I suppose writing for me is letting my hair down, cutting loose, whatever. And with everything that’s been going on this last year, I suppose I’ve been a bit pent up. Does that make any sense?
Mom received her cancer diagnosis in November and from that moment, life got crazy. She is now cancer free, back to work, and doing amazing! But I will say – it shook up our world a bit. I found out I was pregnant in January, which has been a unique experience to say the least. I think I was seven weeks pregnant for a month straight … that first trimester seemed like it would never end.
And school? Well, by the grace of God we have hung in there. Between many dentist appointments, OB visits, mom’s surgeries and days where morning sickness had me curled on the couch … we managed to only get slightly behind. We should complete our school year by the end of the month, just in time for vacation!
So, it’s been a crazy year. And I suppose I have allowed fear and worry to keep me from stopping to smell the roses too many times. I have a book which SERIOUSLY needs revising and editing, but for whatever reason, I’ve thought that if I just let go of my worries and get sucked into that … one more crazy or bad thing might happen. I have had several blog post ideas, specifically talking about pregnancy and pregnancy after loss. But in the shadows of my mind, I think I’m just jinxing myself and something tragic will happen by my acknowledging that this pregnancy is really happening. Like I need to spend my free time with a firm grasp on my fear rather than living life and doing what I love.
The Lord has really been growing my faith through all of this, proving to me that I’m never alone, that He can handle it. And at that scary stinkin’ anatomy scan for the baby last week, He reminded me of His power and control. He held out His hand and simply asked me to hold it.
Oh, it’s not always that easy. I have to do my part through prayer and Bible reading, through casting down my crazzzyyy imaginations. But for the first time in a while, I was able to breathe, look at my fears and say, “so what?”
Sometimes I think we go through these patches of life simply for God to reveal His glory. Pregnancy in itself is a trying of a woman’s faith! I sang a song at revival last week that has the line, “I have peace when it doesn’t make sense.” And indeed, in a world full of trouble and a crazy, unpredictable life, I have peace. It doesn’t make sense. But it’s not supposed to. I am simply supposed to trust my Lord.
That’s what I have to do. No amount of holding tight to what ifs will change the future and it certainly drains me of today’s strength. I simply have to surrender every bit of fear and my future to Him.
That’s been life lately. I’m a bit neurotic and sometimes get a little too stuck in my head, but God is good.
And thank you Jesus! I’m back to drinking coffee after two long months of feeling like the smell would make me vomit.
God’s been good.