Coffee and Rambling

  
I have felt so sluggish these last few days. I’m not sure if it’s what I’ve been eating or something hormonal, but everything just wears me out. It’s probably fair that I mention that I attempted to get off of my antidepressant, which I suppose I wasn’t ready to do. Or I need to wait until I can talk to my doctor about it. I’ve been on it for a little over a year and I was curious to know if I could be off of it. I’m still unsure if my anxiety/depression was related to post partum or if it’s just part of me, especially considering that it runs in my family. Either way, I’m back on it and that’s okay. I always tell people that antidepressants are just the same as insulin is for a diabetic. Sometimes our brain chemistry is all out of whack and we need something to get it all back together. I think it’s a tool, as I’ve had to work through a lot of the fears and thoughts I’ve had before. It’s not a fix all solution. But it helps. 

Homeschooling is going very well. I feel guilty sometimes that I get to do what I love and that it’s going so smoothly (well as smooth as it can with three kids including a toddler who never keeps clothes on and plays in the toilet). However, I absolutely love it. I love being with the kids, I love the freedom we have to do things as we choose, and I like my life being simple. 

The season of life we are in right now is weird. Not bad AT ALL. Just weird. If you would have asked me a year ago about any of it, I would have laughed and said absolutely not. However, God certainly has His own way and plans. I’m so grateful for that. We are simply in a place of waiting, resting, and healing. We are learning to be honest with ourselves and the Lord even about the ugly and the things we’d rather pretend wasn’t there. It’s a weird place, but a special one nonetheless. 
I’ve not spoken about church too much lately. Like the song says in Take Me to the King, I’ve been all churched out. If it weren’t for my kids, my lost family members, and so on, I don’t know if I could have gone on any further. Just saying that shocks me, because I never thought I’d utter those words. I judged anyone else who seemed to find themselves there. However, I still believe God’s Word and I know every believer needs preaching, teaching, and fellowship. I’ve been completely honest with the Lord and my husband about my heart, whatever is there. And amazingly enough, just when you think it’s time to throw in the towel, God gives grace. He gives power to keep walking, a power way beyond worrying about pleasing others or even my own conscience. It’s more like a desperation not to fall away from what we know is true and right, to continue to discover God’s Word and allow it to be applied to our heart like a healing balm. I’ll just say that the Lord has provided a quiet refuge for us, a place where we can hear His Word and be drawn closer to Him. I laugh and say I have no clue what we are doing in a primarily all military church in a town I had never been to before, but the Lord is funny like that. Aside from my few years as an army brat, I have nothing in common with military folk. (Or so it seems.) Let’s just say, the Lord will bring us to unexpected places to show us things we’ve never seen before. 

I’ve been reading a ton lately. I downloaded a kindle app on my phone and have found free books on Amazon prime. Between a good story (I really like the ones where couples are fighting for their marriage) and the people I’ve met these last few months, I feel so enriched by the experiences of others that I hear. I may never experience those same things or travel to those ends of the Earth, but it’s fascinating just the same to hear about. It’s also inspired me to write again, though my own story ideas are still a swirly mess in my mind. I haven’t written since I was a teen and I’ll tell you, even though those stories were far fetched and silly, they’ve stuck with me all of these years. 

So, that’s my life. We are serving the Lord where we can, getting our home in order, building a stronger marriage, attempting not to mess our kids up (I’m joking, but really most days I feel so unworthy for the task at hand), and just resting in grace. I have no clue what’s going to happen next and after several years of trying to forge a path ahead of God’s plan, it’s nice to just rest in knowing He does. We have refused this and fought it, but sometimes God has to bring you low and humble you so you’ll look up. 

I know this post was a little more on the personal side, but I wanted to share what is going on in my world. Coffee & Grace was started not to share my own wisdom, ’cause I’m still figuring life out. But it’s to share what God is doing in my life and if you can relate to or connect to what I’m saying, I pray it can encourage you. Get in the Word and keep growing in grace. ❤️

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Whisper

  

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. Revelation 3:20

Have you ever had a day where perhaps maybe you didn’t get to read your Bible? (Okay I’ve had one too many.) Maybe you hit the ground running and your mind quickly filled up with everything contrary to that which is spiritual. You forgot to give your day to the Lord, to thank Him for blessing you with another day to live. Perhaps you went several hours just filled with concerns, worries, anger, and frustration that piled up as the day went on. You get in the car and that ole country song that typically makes you swoon just doesn’t cut it – you feel empty inside. Completely drained and empty. 

And then there’s a faint whisper through the door of your heart that says, Spend some time with me. 

You’ve gone til 2 o’clock without acknowledging your Savior and He sits beside you, waiting for you to look toward Him. Sometimes we resist that calling and conviction to hear Him speak, to open our Bible, turn on Godly music, or hear sound preaching. Sometimes we are afraid that maybe He’s mad at us for being distant or that maybe all He’s got to say is a bunch of fussing for failing yet again. 

And yet all you hear is – Spend time with me. 

As this very thing happened to me the other day, I thought of my husband and the way he does something quite similar. It will be a few days since we have really seen each other and he just desires to spend time with me, to be close to me. As a mom and wife who runs around like a crazy lady most days, I have a hard time stopping to spend time. I think, “well, if I stop this, then I may never get back to it and time will get wasted.” There I have missed a special opportunity to be close with my husband, to hear what he wants to say, something we both surely need. 

The marriage is a picture of Christ’s love for His people. He desires to be close to us, for us to stop in the busyness of life and hear what He has to say. He wants us to seize the opportunity to pursue a more intimate relationship with Him. As more days pass and we ignore His calling to us, His voice becomes more faint and our flesh becomes stronger. We struggle with sin more and the devil is given free reign to attack. We need to hear God’s voice and be guided by His Word daily. 

When you feel that the Lord is speaking to you through your day, take some time and hear what He has to say. Open the Bible and let His Word speak, show you where you may be wrong, encourage you, and strengthen you. I know for sure that this life requires His help each day and we can’t afford to skip out. And before you know it, that heavy feeling you felt before will be lightened. Your eyes will be focused toward Heaven and your heart in peaceful fellowship with the Lord.

Don’t be afraid to come to Him if it’s been a few days. His Word promises that He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to forgive us of all unrighteousness. Go to Him and rest in His perfect grace, listening to His still, small voice.

Waiting by the Light

  
In November 1996, my Dad retired from the army and our family moved back to the States after 5 years in Germany. I was only six at the time, so my memories of our return home are pretty vague. I do remember getting off of our flight either in the middle of the night or early in the morning, while it was still dark. I proudly carried my pink suitcase with bold letters on the front saying, “I’m going to Grandma’s!” And indeed, I was. We were home after five years away and we were headed to Grandma’s!

I don’t remember much about being back in the States, it didn’t mean much to me. There is one memory that has always stuck with me, though. It is even more precious to me now. 

My Nanny was waiting for us to come home. She had been waiting for her youngest daughter, my mom, to come home after five long years. She wanted to hug her grand babies and see how big they had grown. She had only seen me a few times so far in my life, considering I was so young when we moved. We had made the flight overseas and were home for good.  In great anticipation, she couldn’t wait to see everyone’s faces. 

As we pulled into her driveway, I remember her standing there with the porch light on. I wonder the joy her heart felt when she knew we had made it in safely, that she’d be soon hugging our necks. 

Oh, how I’ve been blessed these last 20 years since that night. My Nanny became such a fixture in my life, such a constant. I knew on days that I was sick that mom would drop me off and she’d take care of me, fix anything I wanted. I loved going to visit and filling her in on my life. It gave her great joy to hear about school, my friends, and even my crazy dreams. She wanted to hear every bit. Her house was a place of comfort and rest for me. I knew that when I walked in the door, she’d always be overjoyed and excited to have a long chat. She’d fuss over her hair not being fixed, make sure I had something to eat, and wanted to know all about my world. She never asked for much, she just wanted to be there. 

These last few years, I got to spend many days with her and this time my kids were tagging along. What precious memories I have of her playing with them and spoiling them rotten. 

As I think back to that night when she stood with the light on, I am reminded of two things that give me peace. For one, she just experienced a wonderful reunion even better than this with her 3 boys, who all went on before her. She got to see her other loved ones who had gone on before her. And she got to meet the Savior who helped her through a life of many joys and struggles. Knowing this gives me peace. 

Secondly, I think about a special homecoming, when her daughter comes home again. This time it won’t be back to the States, but it will be to the land of glory where no more goodbyes will be spoken. My Nanny will be waiting with great anticipation for each of the loved ones that she’s left behind, just like she waited that night. 

Now that she’s gone, I’d do anything to hug her again. I want her to know how much I loved her, how much she meant to me. I’d do anything to have one more chat where she’d talk my ear off over just about anything. 

But I know one day, either when Christ takes the saved believers home by the rapture or when I die, I’ll see her again. She’ll be waiting and the light that will be shining is the light of our Savior. 

My heart aches tonight, but this hope gives me peace. 

Mommy, I know you couldn’t wait that night after the endless flight home. You couldn’t wait to see your Mom again, to catch up and talk face to face. That deep desire to see her again aches inside you much worse now and I know you’re hurting. But remember, there is coming a day when you’ll take your final flight home and you’ll see your Mom face to face. 💜