I have felt so sluggish these last few days. I’m not sure if it’s what I’ve been eating or something hormonal, but everything just wears me out. It’s probably fair that I mention that I attempted to get off of my antidepressant, which I suppose I wasn’t ready to do. Or I need to wait until I can talk to my doctor about it. I’ve been on it for a little over a year and I was curious to know if I could be off of it. I’m still unsure if my anxiety/depression was related to post partum or if it’s just part of me, especially considering that it runs in my family. Either way, I’m back on it and that’s okay. I always tell people that antidepressants are just the same as insulin is for a diabetic. Sometimes our brain chemistry is all out of whack and we need something to get it all back together. I think it’s a tool, as I’ve had to work through a lot of the fears and thoughts I’ve had before. It’s not a fix all solution. But it helps.
Homeschooling is going very well. I feel guilty sometimes that I get to do what I love and that it’s going so smoothly (well as smooth as it can with three kids including a toddler who never keeps clothes on and plays in the toilet). However, I absolutely love it. I love being with the kids, I love the freedom we have to do things as we choose, and I like my life being simple.
The season of life we are in right now is weird. Not bad AT ALL. Just weird. If you would have asked me a year ago about any of it, I would have laughed and said absolutely not. However, God certainly has His own way and plans. I’m so grateful for that. We are simply in a place of waiting, resting, and healing. We are learning to be honest with ourselves and the Lord even about the ugly and the things we’d rather pretend wasn’t there. It’s a weird place, but a special one nonetheless.
I’ve not spoken about church too much lately. Like the song says in Take Me to the King, I’ve been all churched out. If it weren’t for my kids, my lost family members, and so on, I don’t know if I could have gone on any further. Just saying that shocks me, because I never thought I’d utter those words. I judged anyone else who seemed to find themselves there. However, I still believe God’s Word and I know every believer needs preaching, teaching, and fellowship. I’ve been completely honest with the Lord and my husband about my heart, whatever is there. And amazingly enough, just when you think it’s time to throw in the towel, God gives grace. He gives power to keep walking, a power way beyond worrying about pleasing others or even my own conscience. It’s more like a desperation not to fall away from what we know is true and right, to continue to discover God’s Word and allow it to be applied to our heart like a healing balm. I’ll just say that the Lord has provided a quiet refuge for us, a place where we can hear His Word and be drawn closer to Him. I laugh and say I have no clue what we are doing in a primarily all military church in a town I had never been to before, but the Lord is funny like that. Aside from my few years as an army brat, I have nothing in common with military folk. (Or so it seems.) Let’s just say, the Lord will bring us to unexpected places to show us things we’ve never seen before.
I’ve been reading a ton lately. I downloaded a kindle app on my phone and have found free books on Amazon prime. Between a good story (I really like the ones where couples are fighting for their marriage) and the people I’ve met these last few months, I feel so enriched by the experiences of others that I hear. I may never experience those same things or travel to those ends of the Earth, but it’s fascinating just the same to hear about. It’s also inspired me to write again, though my own story ideas are still a swirly mess in my mind. I haven’t written since I was a teen and I’ll tell you, even though those stories were far fetched and silly, they’ve stuck with me all of these years.
So, that’s my life. We are serving the Lord where we can, getting our home in order, building a stronger marriage, attempting not to mess our kids up (I’m joking, but really most days I feel so unworthy for the task at hand), and just resting in grace. I have no clue what’s going to happen next and after several years of trying to forge a path ahead of God’s plan, it’s nice to just rest in knowing He does. We have refused this and fought it, but sometimes God has to bring you low and humble you so you’ll look up.
I know this post was a little more on the personal side, but I wanted to share what is going on in my world. Coffee & Grace was started not to share my own wisdom, ’cause I’m still figuring life out. But it’s to share what God is doing in my life and if you can relate to or connect to what I’m saying, I pray it can encourage you. Get in the Word and keep growing in grace. ❤️