“I just need to be okay.”
I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Everything in my world was different and I was questioning everything around me. I was hurt, offended, broken, and at a loss as to what I’d do next. In the past, my go to was to get busy, listen to some good preaching, and just move. I was still doing that to get through each day, yet I still didn’t feel okay. Everyone else could praise the Lord and cry at the drop of a hat over His goodness and I’d become so frustrated because that wasn’t me anymore. I was angry with myself. The old saying was to let life’s troubles roll off like water on a duck’s back and yet mine were sticking like glue. Why am I in this place and why is everything that was once so easy, so hard?
I just need to be okay!
I would pray and ask God to help, simply in a hurry to get my prayers answered and get on with the show. I didn’t really want to get to the heart of anything or try to understand all that had happened. I just needed to be okay. Life was going to pass me by and I didn’t have time to be resting in Him or listening to what He had to say. I just needed to be okay.
How often are our prayers like that? We want a solution right then and there. A sign in the sky, a fuzzy feeling, a giant confirmation. And yet we sit there disappointed and angry because we feel we have left yet again empty handed.
I wanted to be where I needed to be spiritually without doing anything I needed to do. I wanted my joy back, my love for serving. I tried to engulf myself in work, hoping that would bring about more excitement. Instead, I found myself even more angry and frustrated. I just needed to be okay.
What in the world did I think okay was?! I guess I just figured being problem free. Or perhaps just able to pick my feet up without them weighing 500 pounds. I looked at other people in church services and would think, “if I could just be like them!” I was more focused on a synthetic, outward appearance of being okay. I was angry that I couldn’t keep it together half the time and that I felt so weak.
There came a point where I had to hit my knees, right where I was, and be honest with the Lord. He already knew what was in my heart. I suppose I felt that if I admitted how I felt, right or wrong, that I’d be a bad Christian. I knew He would hear me, but I figured He didn’t really want to hear about my petty life. I realized that if He already knew my heart, I was doing myself a disservice by pretending He didn’t.
What freedom I found when I admitted to the Lord what was on my heart! When I could just be real and come to Him, broken, insecure, scared, and unsure. Oh the grace I found there! I wasn’t okay and He didn’t expect me to be. What He wanted was for me to talk with Him, to tell Him what was on my heart.
Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
I’m still in an awkward spot in my spiritual life. However, I can rest knowing that even though I’m not always “okay” … the Lord is with me, still growing me, and still guiding me. The best thing I know to do is to follow His Word, run with patience, do the first works (the things I know to do: church, prayer, Bible study, witnessing), and rest in Him.
Friend, it’s okay if you’re in a place in your life where you’re just not okay. Stop fighting this fight yourself and give it over to Jesus. He wants to hear about your troubles, even the seemingly smallest and silliest. Move forward by doing what is right, but give yourself grace if some days you just aren’t “okay.”